08/29/2004

Let Yourself Be Heard

Bare footed, I stood on the stage facing all friendly strangers and decided to let my true self be heard.

It was a border line decision. I could have chickened out and just play my recorder as a perfect disguis e, or, I could choose to be what I wish for myself. Well, it started when I signed up on the talent show as a simple joke to myself, “Ok, do it, whatever”. I really didn't know what I would do on the concert night, but I felt like to support the program so I put my name on, #28 Litsong Lu (Music from the heart) .

Music has always been a part of my life. In my earlier unschooling years, I have picked up the recorder as my instrument and travel companion. I do carry a note book full of songs that I can play on the recorder. I like playing it, but it was indirect still. As much as I can put my emotions into the music I am playing, the sound was somewhat pre- determined by the wood. For the past two years, I have awakened to my own singing. What a joy! To feel my own being, the breath, the flow, the voice, the strength. Beside these two, I also play guitar to my own liking.

I sure have something in me that I can share in the open mic night, but, the question is-- will I ?

There are over 50 people signed up, I could easily take my name out of the list, but, will I?

Tick-tuck, tick-tuck, as the time went by and I still didn't have a clue what to do(shall I sing? will my voice freeze? Will I remember the words? Will I sound weird with the Microphone? Shall I play the recorder? Will the notes come out fine? ). I went on with other activities and ignored the anxiety. Worse comes worst, I can always play a song on my recorder and just shrug it off if it doesn't come out great. But, “would I be happy with myself?” I kept wondering. “what to do that will feel right?”

Oh, well, so many children went up the stage doing their own thing, just be themselves, shared what they loved to do and enjoyed the fun. That's the beauty of living with no fear, no self-doubt and just have a great time! Can I do that as a four year old or a fourteen can? -- Just let yourself be seen, be heard, just let yourself be?

Time went on, I still held my recorder in hands, as my last straw (at least I haven't bale out YET). One thing I knew was that I have to be relaxed to do anything real. I have to remember to breathe, to feel my own being, before I can sing. I got on the stage, still unsure what would happen, but knew that I chose to go through it, come what may (well, Wen said to me “mom, you will look bad if you bale out, you will be a quitter, and that will make you look bad”.). So there I was, on the stage, the AV lady, trying to adjust the microphone for my height, she looked at my unsure self and asked “ A re you going to play the recorder?” I paused a second and said “No. I think I will sing”. That's it. She smiled, “I think so too”.

I took a slow breath and looked at the microphone doubtfully, “Can anyone tell that I am nervous?” the hundreds of eyes of open support fed my open heart, I felt the patience I have for myself, the love that I deserve for my own being, I let go of the anxiety and fear. “I have to do this for myself.” The crowd applauded. “Yet I also wish to share something with you all. Something genuine from my heart. From my many years of parenting and unschooling, I have learned that all human actions are based upon two motivations --love or fear. I have chosen to base my action on love. During the conference and talks I often hear all questions with the same core of “fear”. I wish to share this song with you, it's about love. I also want to mention, that, too often we hear things done in the name of love , but it doesn't feel right , free or life-giving . I wish that we choose to act upon love, and always refer to the check list: Is your love letting him be him? Is your love letting you be you? Is your love letting me be me? Is your love letting love be love? Before you act, check in with your heart, and feel the right, settled feeling of love, you have to feel right in your heart and guts , so you now you're not conditioned by fear . Please, a llow yourself to be love.”

So I let my true words come through me, and I let go of all things, just be me, in my voice. I sang, looking at everybody big and small, felt their love and support for a total stranger. Not hurrying, not worrying, I let the song I so loved flew through me into the room touching all people. I watched their colorful faces and saw the beautiful glow, it was delicious, it was wonderful.

I left the stage feeling peaceful and contented. I have done what I wish for myself.

Let my voice be heard, and let my truth be shared.

I went back to my seat to enjoy the rest of the night, feeling quite fine. Everything was the same, or was it? No, something magical started. People smiled at me with encouragement and many came to hug me and gave me feedback on how they feel about being there with me. What they see in me was nothing about me, but rather their wish for themselves. Many mentioned “courage”, and finish their comment with “maybe I shall try it next year”. Some talked about “voice”, as their appreciation of my being the way I am—they too, have the yearning of knowing their own true colors and true voices. Some heard the lyric echoing their heart's quest and thanked me for bring it out. For me, it's about being myself and willing to share what's in me the way it is. It's about accepting myself with no judgment and let myself be what I am in solitude or in a big crowd. When I am true to myself, I feel settled, relaxed and whole. The clarity also brings a sense of strength. I feel what I am.

It was quite something yet almost nothing.

When I sing like breathe and I live my true feelings, I have the joyful feeling of being authentic, being the creator of my current moment, each step of the way. It's the awareness, willingness and the commitment I have granted myself that nourishes my soul. It's the life-giving gift I can offer myself, and I make it as my daily practice.

People's feedbacks and nice comments sure were the unexpected bonus tokens. As I said before I even started, I did it for myself. It's the only thing that matters to me. No need to hide.

PS: Being in a big crowd, feeling lost or unsure about the future can be scary, seeing a few friendly faces as the beckons of the light helps to get me through, and make the journey less lonely. We don't need the world to believe in our dream, but a few truthful stars in the total darkness can be reassuring. We are all stars in a confusing world. When we are truthful, effort merging with will, the clarity shows what we are, and love, faith and hope can glow. Be that light for yourself, be that light for others.